Life update! Diagnoses and life troubles.

Hello.  Haven’t written a blog for a while and thought it was the right time as things have changed in my life recently. Most of my friends, family and boyfriend dont really understand why i feel the way i do so i thought I’d write them to give them an insight.  Also could help anyone else who is suffering’s family and friends. I sometimes feel like they forget i am actually ill, and they think im just being awkward and horrible. As you will have read before, i suffer from a lot of mental health issues.  It got pretty bad back in May, to the point i had to to go A&E.  They asked if i’d like to be admitted but as i hate being away from home, i thought the best option would be to stay at home and wait for an appointment at the local mental health unit.  This then came through and on the 1st August i went to my appointment. Whilst i was there i had to go through everything from when i was born right up until now and although this has been very hard for me to revisit they were really helpful.  I did a couple of tests and have been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety, emetophobia and possible bordeline personality disorder. Yep i know, alot. All my life ive suffered with making friends, keeping friends, being in social situations, dealing with attachment etc.  I didn’t expect at all to be told it was autism, but now it makes so much sense.  Saying that ive had a really tough time accepting it, and an even tougher time having people close to me accept and understand it.  I don’t want to do normal things where lots of people are involved because i freak and have a panic attack. I find people, mostly my boyfriend always asking why i don’t want to do certain things or why i feel a certain way.  Simple answer is, i have no idea, and i hate it. Since the diagnoses i’ve been stuggling a lot to come to terms with it.  Everything i had to talk about, which i like to keep in usually, had to be talked about and it wont stop going round my head. Being adopted, my abusive ex who Is the father to my three year old and more.  It has put me in a very dark place and sometimes i really feel like i don’t want to be here anymore. It would be so much easier if people just understood. I constantly have to have someone there or i freak out.  My parents have bought a chalet in leysdown and have been going there with my daughter nearly every weekend and i find these times the hardest because i always have to rely on other people to be there for me.  I can’t stay at the chalet because part of my autism is liking being at home and feeling very panicky if im not.  Because i haven’t known what my illnesses really were for my whole life, ive lost a lot of friends because they have just been thinking im being awkward and rude.  When now i understand its not my fault.  Sometimes i’ll get in such bad places, like today for example, and feel completely worthless and just want to lay in bed and cry all day.

Its hard to explain what you mean when you say you feel worthless, but because of all these illnesses i guess i have a lot going on in my head all the time.  I can just be sitting there and get hit with a massive overwhelming feeling of depression and panic.  I can’t even explain it but its happening alot recently and i hate it.  I can’t bring myself to go out and i don’t really enjoy much at all.  I often stay up all night crying and having panic attacks.

Now anyone that has any of these illnesses and has a relationship can empathise how HARD it is.  Not only does he never understand why i feel like this, but he thinks im just doing it to be a horrible person.  I can’t explain half the things i do sometimes and no i dont expect him to understand, especially after being diagnosed a year into our relationship.  I just wish he could see that i’m struggling so so so much at the moment and im trying my hardest to get through it as quickly as i can.  When we were first ever together i was almost fine, struggles with anxiety quite a bit but i wasn’t in such a bad place.  When it got to about 2/3 months that’s when the honeymoon period wore off and he started to not want to spend all his time with me and wanted to go back to doing what he used to do.  Obviously this threw me off a bit because he seemed completely devoted to me and then it all changed. For most people this would be okay but for me it was super super hard.  Having going from doing the same thing every day, which is obviously what autistic people like, to having to go and meet all his old friends and be put in the most awkward and horrible situation for me ever.  We then started arguing alot because i pretty much became reclusive and always wanted him to spend his time with me.  Every time i’d go out id feel like bursting into tears over nothing and have un controllable panic attacks. This got really bad until he couldnt cope and ended it.  Then i hit the lowest point in my whole life because i had lost the only person that knew everything about me and i felt understood me.  Just like everything i lose in my life, all because im weird.  We kept in contact and after i had realised my mistakes, we decided to try again.  We took it slowly for two months and yeah i did feel enormously better  I pushed myself to do all the things he loved no matter how hard it was for me and it was really nice.  Then i started having dreams about my abusive ex, horrible dreams with him doing nasty things to me.  This set me on a long downward road and since them dreams i really haven’t been truly happy since.  Im still trying super hard and up until my appointment i was no where near as bad as i want, but when i do have my blips, him and my family really do not understand and its the worse thing in the world. Some days i’ll really wanna come out or we will plan something really nice and then the next day i’ll have a panic attack at even the thought of leaving my room.  This also causes issues if im trying my hardest to feel better and i plan something and then that plan gets cancelled. If ive been having a tough time and this happens i just feel like they dont understand me at all because it takes a lot for me to ask people to do stuff with me because i fear rejection.

I hate how i am and pretty much everyone else hates me too and its horrible.  I dont remember the last time i thought about myself and thought ‘yeah im a good person im happy with myself’ because i always feel like a burden on everyone and i feel like i can never do any good to anyone. Im sorry to anyone I’ve hurt in the past. I hand on heart say i haven’t meant to, my brain controls me and half the time i don’t realise what ive done until ive done it.  I pray one day i will feel truly happy and have a good support network around me but i guess for now i’ve just got to toddle on like this.

 

 

The effects of abuse in a relationship  never go away. 

Hello! I’m back again. I wrote a blog in December 2014 about being in an abusive relationship when I was 14-16 with my babies father. If you haven’t read this you can read It here:https://bethviolet.wordpress.com/2014/12/15/being-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/  I just wanted to do another quick blog about how going through that has affected me now. 
Now when I got myself out of the relationship I thought that would be the end of it. I thought I’d be able to move on with my life and do normal things and have a normal life. Truth is since then everything has changed. Mentally I have never been the same since. I’ve been suffering with severe depression and anxiety since then which has pretty much ruined my life. For the first year after I was constantly scared him and his family were after me. It never seemed to end it my mind. Him and his family were always somewhere in the back of my mind and I had constant nightmares about the things that had happened. These always scared me so much and the next day id be full of anxiety. 

Everything he said to me sticks. He used to say how shit of a person I was and I was ugly etc. That’s never ever left me and I’ve never liked myself since then. I remember him saying it clearly in my head. Always used to say how shit I would be as a mum and always felt down about my parenting skills. It ruins everything with my current boyfriend. I don’t accept any compliments because I genuinely hate myself because of everything that was said. 

It’s also left me suffering a weird phobia, it’s of being sick. Apparently it’s to do with being forced into things. I’ve never really spoken about it before because it’s really weird to be honest. It causes me to have a full blown panic attack whenever I feel sick and it ruins so much. Hate going out most of the time in case I feel sick. I obsessively take an anti emetic to calm me down most days. Always avoiding stuff that could harber germs stops me doing awhole lot, especially as I have a 2 year old. Germs galore lol

People just don’t understand why I still am affected from this, I don’t fully either but I am. Affects me every single day. Been much worse recently because I had a horrible dream about him and what he used to do to me. It’s made me wanna just sit in bed in a ball for the last week and no one understands why. I never used to have panic attacks before him. Now they’re a regular occurance.  

I give my heart out to anyone that has been through this honestly. You can’t ever trust anyone fully or let your guard down. Never feel good enough for anyone because they always made you feel so little. I’ll never ever let my daughter get into a relationship like I did. She doesn’t deserve it ever. At least I have her out of it, not all bad. 

Moving on to my next point. I always think of her and how she’s gonna grow up. How do I explain to her why her dads not involved in her life. She’s the most perfect thing ever and she deserves the world. I never want him controlling and manipulating her like he did with me.  

I’ve lost so much because of him and i hate myself so much for staying with him for long. He’s ruined me as a person and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. Don’t let yourself go through what I did it’s not worth it, he/she doesn’t love you. 

What depression feels like

  1. Every day feels like a struggle. From the moment you wake up, everything is 1000x harder.  Its not just waking up and feeling tired, its feeling absolutely no motivation to do anything let alone get up from bed.
  2. People saying ‘You just need to get out more’ irritates you A LOT.  Its not as simple as just ‘getting out more’. That will only ever be a temporary fix.
  3. Everything you used to enjoy, feels boring and like a lot of effort.  In my case, I’d be at gigs every week.  Now I never bother because I don’t get enjoyment out of going to them.
  4. Sometimes it feels like you can feel nothing and no one seems to understand that. I can appreciate why because its hard to explain it but its almost as if everything is just grey. You cant feel happiness or sadness and its horrible.
  5. Sometimes, you feel happy for short periods but that can change, quickly.  You’ll just start feeling happy all of a sudden, and usually it’ll be a ridiculously hyper state because after all, mania is the opposite of depression. In my case, after this comes a horrible low state.
  6. Relationships are near on impossible.  Most of the time, the significant other just doesn’t quite understand exactly what you’re going through, and they just think you’re being rude or hard work. Truth is, they’re probably one of the things keeping you going the most. You just cant express it in the way you want to.
  7. Most people don’t actually know you’re depressed, because you’re a great actor.  I consistently find myself acting ok, or telling people I’m fine because its easier than trying to explain why you feel so low.
  8. You feel like everyone hates you.  I find myself losing friends easily because I think they don’t care and then I get angry, when reality is they probably do. You constantly feel self conscious about everything which makes little things like talking to people in shops etc hard.
  9. Often find yourself getting angry instead of upset.  I frequently get very angry very quickly because I prefer being angry to sad, its my way of coping. This causes a lot of problems at home and with friends/boyfriends.
  10. Very jealous and protective over friends and boyfriends. Kind of links to feeling self conscious.  I think everyone is better than me and they would have a better time without me.
  11. Its easier to push people away than get close to people and risk getting hurt.  This may not apply to everyone because for me it links to more past experiences but I find myself causing arguments and becoming distant because to me, its easier than giving your all to someone for it to get thrown back in your face.
  12. Most of the time you have no idea what you want. People may say ‘do you want me to come over’ and you just don’t know because either way you will feel like poop.
  13. The little things people say, you remember. Just little things people say when they’re angry like ‘everything your fault’ stays in your mind.
  14. Nothing can make you happy, and that’s no ones fault. Most people don’t understand that you cant just do something that makes you happy to feel better.  It doesn’t work like that.  People often think its their own fault, its not.
  15. It feels like you have lost everything. This is not an understatement.  Everything constantly feels like its falling beneath your feet.

 

All you gotta remember is, hopefully, it shouldn’t last forever.  It will get better in time, you just gotta ride it out and get help in your own way.

Being in an emotionally abusive relationship

You don’t often hear about emotional abuse, you usually hear more about physical abuse or ‘domestic violence’ as its more commonly known. Headlines often hit the news about people that have been a victim of domestic abuse and have either been severely hurt or even killed because of this.  I agree that things like this should hit the headlines however, it leaves the people suffering emotional abuse wondering why it’s not as much of a deal.

If you have read my previous blog about being a teen mum, you’ll already know that i was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my daughters father.  At the time i was only 14/15 and he was 16/17.  This just goes to show that you can be in any circumstance and still face abuse.  You might see a very seemingly happy elderly couple walking down the street who themselves are in an abusive relationship. You just can’t tell and it can happen to anyone. One of the main things about emotional abuse is that very little people know, because to everyone else, the partner that is abusing you seems totally amazing. I’d like to think of it as suffering in silence.

When i met my daughters father, lets called him Aaron for now, he seemed amazing. He was lovely to me and made me feel loved and to tell the truth i did fall in love with him.  I got pregnant after being with him for only a few weeks and it was the first time i had ever had sex.  This is when everything changed. I wasn’t safe going to his parents’ house anymore because of how they reacted about me being pregnant, so if he wanted to see me he had to come to my house or we could go out somewhere.

To put it bluntly, he didn’t want me to keep the baby at all. He tried anything in his power to make me have an abortion.  This is when the emotional abuse started. One of the first things he said that made me feel as if this relationship wasn’t how a relationship should be was  ”Look, if you abort this baby i’ll stay with you forever and we can get a flat and ill have more money to buy you loads of nice things”.  That was essentially a bribe to make me abort the baby. Despite him continuing on and on and getting his friends to inbox me to tell me to have an abortion, i didn’t listen. Obviously i kept the baby.

Now its hard for me to actually write this as i didn’t even realise i was actually in an abusive relationship until my mum told me, but i still stayed with him.

One of the main signs of emotional abuse is control. He would never let me go on my phone when we were together and all he would let me do is leave the room to go to the toilet. If I picked up my phone to answer a friend he would smack it out my hand. He also demanded to have my Facebook password.  It was my last few months having my parents to myself and he started saying he’d end it with me if i left the room to go downstairs to see my parents.  I had to wait until he was asleep to see my mum or dad. I wanted to go shopping with him to get baby things but he wouldn’t let me, he just wanted me to stay in my room with him for hours on end. He controlled what I did and when.

Also using pets/children as a weapon. I’ll touch on children a bit later on but he used to be abusive to my pets as well.  He’d throw them on the floor with a strong force.

Another main sign is remarks to make me feel bad about myself. Now these were constant.  Horrible nasty remarks that have ruined me as a person. Here are a few examples;

”You look like a beached whale” -At this point i was pregnant.

”I hope your stretch marks go they’re ugly”

”I don’t like your hair straightened”

”You and your family are too poor to live in a house where i live”

”What the f*** is that!’- to something on my body

The list is endless.  He also used to make remarks about my family, which made me really angry.

Another key sign of an abusive relationship is consistency and promises.  He’d always promise me things and every single time without a doubt he’d break that promise.  He only came to 1 scan out of 5, he has never payed a penny towards the baby, he never came to any appointments and oh guess what he promised he’d do all of that! He always used to promise he’d come round to see me, and cancel 10 minutes before.  I never received a card or present or anything bought for me over the year we were together. Every single time he said or did something cruel, he’d always try and bribe me back by saying things like ‘i’m sorry ill make it up to you’. Yet he’d still do the exact same thing 10 minutes later. At this point things got out of control with him and his parents and police and solicitors had to get involved.  However i frequently got told i was being silly and abuse is only physical!

When the baby was born, it took a big turn for the worse. I didn’t allow him on the birth certificate because of things he’d said that worried me whilst i was pregnant and i wanted my baby to be safe. We received endless calls from him and his family screaming down the phone that they were taking us to court.  This started when the baby was 3 days old. From then on anything I’ve said or done, its been ‘i dont care im taking you to court’. He continued on making remarks about my body and my looks.  I’d only just given birth to his daughter!  When she was a few months old, i decided it would be best if he saw her in a contact centre due to him trying to take advantage of me at visits to see her.  He told the manager that i had been physically abusing him and that’s why we were going for a contact centre! If they had told social services i could of had my baby taken away.  He was trying to ruin my life.

Finally after a horrible nasty year of being together, i finally realised it wasn’t a healthy relationship to be in at all. I found myself dreading him coming round and crying in bed when he’d fallen asleep at the things he’d said to me.  Running into my mum’s room and bursting out crying. I ended it properly when she was a few months old. He still now causes all the trouble he can, and whenever i try and be mature and facilitate contact for him he goes back to his old abusive ways. But I’ve realised he is the problem, not me. This is only a brief touch upon what it’s like to be in an abusive relationship. He did many many more things which i’d rather not mention.

Abuse isn’t only physical.  I decided to seek emotional support after my ordeal and realised I wasn’t being silly. Emotional abuse can ruin lives. If you, or anyone you know is in an abusive relationship. Get out of it. Whether it be emotionally or physically. If you suspect a friend or a relative to be in one, print of the emotional abuse wheel and show them.  This is the thing that helped me realise.

Don’t suffer.

http://vocal.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Power-Control-Wheel1.jpg – link to the power and control wheel

I am a teen mum.

I was 14 years old, going to gigs every weekend and getting drunk, not listening in school, spending my time hanging round the streets. I’d never really had a proper relationship before, only the little kid relationships that last about a month. I didn’t know anything about life or what being an adult entailed. I was just living life as it came and enjoying myself. I was so naive and so immature.

It was a very cold Halloween night in 2012 and as usual, instead of going out and spending Halloween with my family I went to a gig with my two best friends. I met some people who asked if I wanted to be in their band as I’m a drummer. I immediately said yes and got told to add the guitarist on Facebook as he had made the band. We got talking and I thought he was amazing. Sure enough from then we formed a relationship and I thought I loved him. Things happened and on January the 5th 2013 I fell pregnant.
I took the morning after pill so thought there would be no chance. But then I started feeling odd. My boobs got huge, I was sleeping alot and I needed to pee loads. So I went to the emergency doctors with a suspected water infection.
“your daughter is pregnant” the lady shouted at my mum.
“what do you want to do? Do you want me to book her in?”
By this she meant for an abortion. I was absolutely horrified. Not only had I just found out I was pregnant at 14, I was already facing discrimination and assumptions . This was just the start.

I instantly knew i was going to keep the baby, i didn’t even consider the other option.  I may of only been 14 but i knew i would be able to cope, i mean come on, i got myself in the situation, i needed to man up!  I text the father and i assumed he’d be happy but my god was i wrong.  What me and my family were going to face for the next two years i wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

I’m not going to go into what happened, i might another time, it just gets me so angry and upset.  BUT basically, him and his family were not happy that i was keeping the baby and said and did very nasty things.

Despite this, stupidly enough i stayed with the father up until i was 36 weeks pregnant, even though i faced constant emotional abuse about my appearance and a lot of other things. This abuse has basically ruined my life and i will probably never like myself because of some of the things he said.  One example is ‘your stretch marks are so ugly when will they go?’.  Who in their right mind says that to a pregnant girl carrying their child? I should love them because i was lucky enough to grow my baby inside me, which is such an amazing thing, but i don’t and have tried so many ways to get rid of them because of things he said. I spent near enough my whole last 20 weeks of my pregnancy in my house because i was too scared to go out in case people thought bad of me and in case i saw the baby’s dads parents.

I completed my GCSE’s in year 10 at school whilst i was pregnant, and luckily passed them all, so i could take the whole of year 11 off to spend with my baby.  I was due to give birth on the 28th of September 2013.

Once i had finally seen my senses and realised the baby’s dad wasn’t good for me i ended things.  I didn’t allow him at the birth because i felt self conscious and on 4th of October 2013, aged 15 i gave birth to an amazing baby girl who was 8lb 7 (i got told i was going to have a small baby! 😦 ). She was so perfect, i instantly fell in love.

I still got abuse from the father and his family, and they tried their hardest to ruin my first few precious days with her.  But i had my baby girl, nothing could get in between that.

Then came all the hard things about being a mum-breastfeeding, abuse off strangers in public, night feeds, expressing etc but it was still amazing.

The last 2 years have been the hardest but most amazing time of my life and it kills me that I’m a stereotypical single teenage mum but I will make my baby proud. I’m on my way to going to uni, which I probably wouldn’t have done if I hadn’t got pregnant.  I’m now 16 with a 14 month old girl and i’m sure i’ll go into other things that happened with the dad/the last 14 months with my baby girl in other blogs but for now i’m finished. All I want to say is, if you’re in an abusive relationship, get out of it. I know that’s harder than it sounds but please. Don’t let yourself get hurt like I did.

I still face struggles with her dad, i doubt that will stop for a long time, he will never mature. It is a lot harder that i expected it to be, i have to realise we couldn’t be the family i thought we could be, and i’ll probably never have someone interested in me,  but i know i have produced an amazing, wonderful, perfect girl and i don’t need anyone else.