The effects of abuse in a relationship  never go away. 

Hello! I’m back again. I wrote a blog in December 2014 about being in an abusive relationship when I was 14-16 with my babies father. If you haven’t read this you can read It here:https://bethviolet.wordpress.com/2014/12/15/being-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/  I just wanted to do another quick blog about how going through that has affected me now. 
Now when I got myself out of the relationship I thought that would be the end of it. I thought I’d be able to move on with my life and do normal things and have a normal life. Truth is since then everything has changed. Mentally I have never been the same since. I’ve been suffering with severe depression and anxiety since then which has pretty much ruined my life. For the first year after I was constantly scared him and his family were after me. It never seemed to end it my mind. Him and his family were always somewhere in the back of my mind and I had constant nightmares about the things that had happened. These always scared me so much and the next day id be full of anxiety. 

Everything he said to me sticks. He used to say how shit of a person I was and I was ugly etc. That’s never ever left me and I’ve never liked myself since then. I remember him saying it clearly in my head. Always used to say how shit I would be as a mum and always felt down about my parenting skills. It ruins everything with my current boyfriend. I don’t accept any compliments because I genuinely hate myself because of everything that was said. 

It’s also left me suffering a weird phobia, it’s of being sick. Apparently it’s to do with being forced into things. I’ve never really spoken about it before because it’s really weird to be honest. It causes me to have a full blown panic attack whenever I feel sick and it ruins so much. Hate going out most of the time in case I feel sick. I obsessively take an anti emetic to calm me down most days. Always avoiding stuff that could harber germs stops me doing awhole lot, especially as I have a 2 year old. Germs galore lol

People just don’t understand why I still am affected from this, I don’t fully either but I am. Affects me every single day. Been much worse recently because I had a horrible dream about him and what he used to do to me. It’s made me wanna just sit in bed in a ball for the last week and no one understands why. I never used to have panic attacks before him. Now they’re a regular occurance.  

I give my heart out to anyone that has been through this honestly. You can’t ever trust anyone fully or let your guard down. Never feel good enough for anyone because they always made you feel so little. I’ll never ever let my daughter get into a relationship like I did. She doesn’t deserve it ever. At least I have her out of it, not all bad. 

Moving on to my next point. I always think of her and how she’s gonna grow up. How do I explain to her why her dads not involved in her life. She’s the most perfect thing ever and she deserves the world. I never want him controlling and manipulating her like he did with me.  

I’ve lost so much because of him and i hate myself so much for staying with him for long. He’s ruined me as a person and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. Don’t let yourself go through what I did it’s not worth it, he/she doesn’t love you. 

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