Hello. Haven’t written a blog for a while and thought it was the right time as things have changed in my life recently. Most of my friends, family and boyfriend dont really understand why i feel the way i do so i thought I’d write them to give them an insight. Also could help anyone else who is suffering’s family and friends. I sometimes feel like they forget i am actually ill, and they think im just being awkward and horrible. As you will have read before, i suffer from a lot of mental health issues. It got pretty bad back in May, to the point i had to to go A&E. They asked if i’d like to be admitted but as i hate being away from home, i thought the best option would be to stay at home and wait for an appointment at the local mental health unit. This then came through and on the 1st August i went to my appointment. Whilst i was there i had to go through everything from when i was born right up until now and although this has been very hard for me to revisit they were really helpful. I did a couple of tests and have been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety, emetophobia and possible bordeline personality disorder. Yep i know, alot. All my life ive suffered with making friends, keeping friends, being in social situations, dealing with attachment etc. I didn’t expect at all to be told it was autism, but now it makes so much sense. Saying that ive had a really tough time accepting it, and an even tougher time having people close to me accept and understand it. I don’t want to do normal things where lots of people are involved because i freak and have a panic attack. I find people, mostly my boyfriend always asking why i don’t want to do certain things or why i feel a certain way. Simple answer is, i have no idea, and i hate it. Since the diagnoses i’ve been stuggling a lot to come to terms with it. Everything i had to talk about, which i like to keep in usually, had to be talked about and it wont stop going round my head. Being adopted, my abusive ex who Is the father to my three year old and more. It has put me in a very dark place and sometimes i really feel like i don’t want to be here anymore. It would be so much easier if people just understood. I constantly have to have someone there or i freak out. My parents have bought a chalet in leysdown and have been going there with my daughter nearly every weekend and i find these times the hardest because i always have to rely on other people to be there for me. I can’t stay at the chalet because part of my autism is liking being at home and feeling very panicky if im not. Because i haven’t known what my illnesses really were for my whole life, ive lost a lot of friends because they have just been thinking im being awkward and rude. When now i understand its not my fault. Sometimes i’ll get in such bad places, like today for example, and feel completely worthless and just want to lay in bed and cry all day.
Its hard to explain what you mean when you say you feel worthless, but because of all these illnesses i guess i have a lot going on in my head all the time. I can just be sitting there and get hit with a massive overwhelming feeling of depression and panic. I can’t even explain it but its happening alot recently and i hate it. I can’t bring myself to go out and i don’t really enjoy much at all. I often stay up all night crying and having panic attacks.
Now anyone that has any of these illnesses and has a relationship can empathise how HARD it is. Not only does he never understand why i feel like this, but he thinks im just doing it to be a horrible person. I can’t explain half the things i do sometimes and no i dont expect him to understand, especially after being diagnosed a year into our relationship. I just wish he could see that i’m struggling so so so much at the moment and im trying my hardest to get through it as quickly as i can. When we were first ever together i was almost fine, struggles with anxiety quite a bit but i wasn’t in such a bad place. When it got to about 2/3 months that’s when the honeymoon period wore off and he started to not want to spend all his time with me and wanted to go back to doing what he used to do. Obviously this threw me off a bit because he seemed completely devoted to me and then it all changed. For most people this would be okay but for me it was super super hard. Having going from doing the same thing every day, which is obviously what autistic people like, to having to go and meet all his old friends and be put in the most awkward and horrible situation for me ever. We then started arguing alot because i pretty much became reclusive and always wanted him to spend his time with me. Every time i’d go out id feel like bursting into tears over nothing and have un controllable panic attacks. This got really bad until he couldnt cope and ended it. Then i hit the lowest point in my whole life because i had lost the only person that knew everything about me and i felt understood me. Just like everything i lose in my life, all because im weird. We kept in contact and after i had realised my mistakes, we decided to try again. We took it slowly for two months and yeah i did feel enormously better I pushed myself to do all the things he loved no matter how hard it was for me and it was really nice. Then i started having dreams about my abusive ex, horrible dreams with him doing nasty things to me. This set me on a long downward road and since them dreams i really haven’t been truly happy since. Im still trying super hard and up until my appointment i was no where near as bad as i want, but when i do have my blips, him and my family really do not understand and its the worse thing in the world. Some days i’ll really wanna come out or we will plan something really nice and then the next day i’ll have a panic attack at even the thought of leaving my room. This also causes issues if im trying my hardest to feel better and i plan something and then that plan gets cancelled. If ive been having a tough time and this happens i just feel like they dont understand me at all because it takes a lot for me to ask people to do stuff with me because i fear rejection.
I hate how i am and pretty much everyone else hates me too and its horrible. I dont remember the last time i thought about myself and thought ‘yeah im a good person im happy with myself’ because i always feel like a burden on everyone and i feel like i can never do any good to anyone. Im sorry to anyone I’ve hurt in the past. I hand on heart say i haven’t meant to, my brain controls me and half the time i don’t realise what ive done until ive done it. I pray one day i will feel truly happy and have a good support network around me but i guess for now i’ve just got to toddle on like this.