Haven’t done a blog in about a year and I’m going through some stuff so I figured what better way to get it all out in the open. As most of you who will be reading this know, in October I found out I was pregnant with my second bubba. I’ll be going more into this in a bit but I just want to start by saying sorry to everyone I am close to. Mainly my friends. My pregnancy started off and I was really super happy. We planned her and I’d longed for a sibling for violet. As most of you know I was, at the time, coping with my mental health by going out and getting drunk most nights. Even though that’s probably not the way to go about things I felt genuinely okay for the most part from about Feb 2017 up until I got pregnant in September. I had a really good life and amazing friends who I’d spend all my time with. Lived at home with my parents and Violet and apart from the occasional few down days I’d always have something to look forward to. I met Malachi, Emma, Konroy and Mike all in March and we became inseparable and me and Malachi got together in May. He lived in Nottingham at the time so I really enjoyed going up and getting away from medway for a few days and experiencing the night life there with him until he moved back to Kent in August. I then got pregnant in September. I thought that I was mentally strong enough to deal with it at the time and didn’t even think about the repercussions of not spending my life masking my emotions and having fun. But that soon hit hard. Me and Malachi moved into our own house In November and due to Violet being so settled and happy with my parents due to them doing so much for her over my bad periods she has stayed there for now and stays over at mine sometimes. Even though it’s only a few minutes drive this is very very hard for me as I struggle to even leave my own house when I’m having a bad day let alone leave and drive somewhere so seeing her every day sometimes isn’t possible and it makes me extremely low and depressed. From about 8 weeks pregnant I started having STRONG feelings that I didn’t want the baby. I was adamant I couldn’t do it and I needed to have an abortion. Now I’m not against abortion but it’s always been something I’ve said I’ll never ever do so I knew at this point it was my bad mental health speaking. Every time I’d listen to a song or see my friends out I’d get incredibly angry and upset. The only way I can explain the feeling is when you go through a breakup and you feel empty and long to go back to when it was happy. I missed feeling that happiness when you’re out dancing to songs with your friends and nothing else matters. This continued for a few weeks and I was crying every day, not leaving my bed or eating. The midwife even said I looked malnourished at my first appointment. I ended up losing over a stone. My mum then booked an emergency early scan so I could see the baby, as I was having a very very hard time bonding with the fact there was a baby inside of me. It helped for about a week seeing a little heart beat and knowing she was ok but after then the feelings came flooding back. Depression hit hard and fast. I felt completely different to when I got pregnant with violet. I didn’t have that intense feeling of protection and love and I just wanted it all to be over and have fun again. I was a complete mess up until I found out I was having a girl at 16 weeks and from then until fairly recently I’ve been okay on the depression front. Naming her and bonding with her over her kicks and scans etc helped me picture her and realise there actually was a little baby inside of me. I felt okay, I started buying things and started getting really excited. I didn’t mind seeing my friends go out and have fun anymore because she was more important. I cleaned our house every day and saw violet whenever she was not at playgroup or busy. Me and Malachi started learning more and more about eachother and how we both live and do things. Our frequent arguing became minimal and was never over excessive things. This was a big step because obviously moving into our own house together after only being together 7 months is very very hard. Especially as I hadn’t lived on my own. I think this was partly due to the fact I got help from people called MIMMS (Mother and infant mental health service). A lady came and saw me a few times and promised she was going to support me through my pregnancy and until Araiah was 2. This then came to a sudden end when I had a further appointment analyzing me a bit at another place and she deemed my issues to be underlying from before so had to discharge me. All I was left with was a letter telling me to self refer for counseling. I genuinely thought for once that I was going to get help for good and this came crashing down. The past few weeks I’ve gone downhill massively again. I think the fact I have no one to talk to about how I feel and the fact she’s going to be here soon. I’m also in a lot of pain due to hypermobility and every time I try and go out I end up in excruciating pain. I’m not sleeping much and have nothing to do in the days. I know this is all part of pregnancy, but as I said before. With violet I was happy to be feeling like this because I knew it was all for the fact I was growing her. I only really realised this was my mental health getting bad again when I started to have feelings of not wanting her again. I don’t feel excited for her birth most of the time, I’m scared I’m gonna do awfully as a mum and she’s not gonna get the care she needs, I see all these mums running on no sleep and I know I’ve done it before and I was fine but I don’t think I’m mentally ready now. I’ve got 12 weeks until she comes and I can’t even get myself out of bed and ready for the day. I can’t leave the house on my own without someone because my anxiety is so bad. I’m SO scared I won’t be good enough for her or I’ll get really mentally ill after shes born. Feeling like this has also led me to massively neglect my friends. They ask if I’m free and either I’ll make an excuse or I’ll just say no. For some reason I don’t feel comfortable anywhere unless malachi is with me or they come to my house. I haven’t seen anyone apart from one friend once in about 5 months. Every day I wake up and spend on my own or with violet and see malachi and go to bed. I don’t see my friends ever or do anything to make myself happy. It’s even draining me at the moment thinking of something for dinner every night and going shopping for food. I hate it and I end up wasting so much money just because I need to eat. I’d love to have the energy or want to go out with a friend shopping for the baby or go somewhere nice but I just don’t want to at all and it’s straining all my relationships. I only want to be where I feel comfortable and it’s horrible. I’m basically writing this to let you all know that I’m really really sorry for being a shit friend. I’m going to take until she’s born probably to work on myself and try and get myself in a good place for when she’s here. I’m going to need everyone’s support, my parents, Malachi and my friends but I just ask that you stick by me please. If I ignore you or don’t reply don’t take it to heart. I’m just having a bad day or week and I’ll reply when I can. Depression is a real thing and it is absolutely horrible. It’s got to the point now where I’m scared I’ll always feel like this. I know I want Araiah more than anything but my brain likes to tell me otherwise and that’s why it’s so important people understand. I didn’t even know antenatal depression was a thing as you only really hear about postnatal but trust me. It’s real and it’s absolutely horrible. I pray I start feeling okay again soon in time for when she’s here. Violets first few weeks were ruined by her father and that’s all I remember so I want this to be perfect and special. I want to be a good mum to my two girls. I hope one day I’ll be able to love myself and be proud of myself.