Hello! I’m back again. I wrote a blog in December 2014 about being in an abusive relationship when I was 14-16 with my babies father. If you haven’t read this you can read It here:https://bethviolet.wordpress.com/2014/12/15/being-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/ I just wanted to do another quick blog about how going through that has affected me now.
Now when I got myself out of the relationship I thought that would be the end of it. I thought I’d be able to move on with my life and do normal things and have a normal life. Truth is since then everything has changed. Mentally I have never been the same since. I’ve been suffering with severe depression and anxiety since then which has pretty much ruined my life. For the first year after I was constantly scared him and his family were after me. It never seemed to end it my mind. Him and his family were always somewhere in the back of my mind and I had constant nightmares about the things that had happened. These always scared me so much and the next day id be full of anxiety.
Everything he said to me sticks. He used to say how shit of a person I was and I was ugly etc. That’s never ever left me and I’ve never liked myself since then. I remember him saying it clearly in my head. Always used to say how shit I would be as a mum and always felt down about my parenting skills. It ruins everything with my current boyfriend. I don’t accept any compliments because I genuinely hate myself because of everything that was said.
It’s also left me suffering a weird phobia, it’s of being sick. Apparently it’s to do with being forced into things. I’ve never really spoken about it before because it’s really weird to be honest. It causes me to have a full blown panic attack whenever I feel sick and it ruins so much. Hate going out most of the time in case I feel sick. I obsessively take an anti emetic to calm me down most days. Always avoiding stuff that could harber germs stops me doing awhole lot, especially as I have a 2 year old. Germs galore lol
People just don’t understand why I still am affected from this, I don’t fully either but I am. Affects me every single day. Been much worse recently because I had a horrible dream about him and what he used to do to me. It’s made me wanna just sit in bed in a ball for the last week and no one understands why. I never used to have panic attacks before him. Now they’re a regular occurance.
I give my heart out to anyone that has been through this honestly. You can’t ever trust anyone fully or let your guard down. Never feel good enough for anyone because they always made you feel so little. I’ll never ever let my daughter get into a relationship like I did. She doesn’t deserve it ever. At least I have her out of it, not all bad.
Moving on to my next point. I always think of her and how she’s gonna grow up. How do I explain to her why her dads not involved in her life. She’s the most perfect thing ever and she deserves the world. I never want him controlling and manipulating her like he did with me.
I’ve lost so much because of him and i hate myself so much for staying with him for long. He’s ruined me as a person and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. Don’t let yourself go through what I did it’s not worth it, he/she doesn’t love you.
- Every day feels like a struggle. From the moment you wake up, everything is 1000x harder. Its not just waking up and feeling tired, its feeling absolutely no motivation to do anything let alone get up from bed.
- People saying ‘You just need to get out more’ irritates you A LOT. Its not as simple as just ‘getting out more’. That will only ever be a temporary fix.
- Everything you used to enjoy, feels boring and like a lot of effort. In my case, I’d be at gigs every week. Now I never bother because I don’t get enjoyment out of going to them.
- Sometimes it feels like you can feel nothing and no one seems to understand that. I can appreciate why because its hard to explain it but its almost as if everything is just grey. You cant feel happiness or sadness and its horrible.
- Sometimes, you feel happy for short periods but that can change, quickly. You’ll just start feeling happy all of a sudden, and usually it’ll be a ridiculously hyper state because after all, mania is the opposite of depression. In my case, after this comes a horrible low state.
- Relationships are near on impossible. Most of the time, the significant other just doesn’t quite understand exactly what you’re going through, and they just think you’re being rude or hard work. Truth is, they’re probably one of the things keeping you going the most. You just cant express it in the way you want to.
- Most people don’t actually know you’re depressed, because you’re a great actor. I consistently find myself acting ok, or telling people I’m fine because its easier than trying to explain why you feel so low.
- You feel like everyone hates you. I find myself losing friends easily because I think they don’t care and then I get angry, when reality is they probably do. You constantly feel self conscious about everything which makes little things like talking to people in shops etc hard.
- Often find yourself getting angry instead of upset. I frequently get very angry very quickly because I prefer being angry to sad, its my way of coping. This causes a lot of problems at home and with friends/boyfriends.
- Very jealous and protective over friends and boyfriends. Kind of links to feeling self conscious. I think everyone is better than me and they would have a better time without me.
- Its easier to push people away than get close to people and risk getting hurt. This may not apply to everyone because for me it links to more past experiences but I find myself causing arguments and becoming distant because to me, its easier than giving your all to someone for it to get thrown back in your face.
- Most of the time you have no idea what you want. People may say ‘do you want me to come over’ and you just don’t know because either way you will feel like poop.
- The little things people say, you remember. Just little things people say when they’re angry like ‘everything your fault’ stays in your mind.
- Nothing can make you happy, and that’s no ones fault. Most people don’t understand that you cant just do something that makes you happy to feel better. It doesn’t work like that. People often think its their own fault, its not.
- It feels like you have lost everything. This is not an understatement. Everything constantly feels like its falling beneath your feet.
All you gotta remember is, hopefully, it shouldn’t last forever. It will get better in time, you just gotta ride it out and get help in your own way.