I’ve been putting off writing about this for a while. It’s embarrasing, weird, strange and people don’t understand it unless you suffer it. Emetophobia is the severe and debilitating fear of vomiting. Whether it be other people being sick, or you being sick. In my case its everything to do with sick. But mainly me catching somehing of someone and getting sick myself.
It might seem like something minor. ‘People are hardly ever sick it can’t be that bad’. Well yes, it controls every part of my daily life and it’s horrible. It started off back in 2014. I hadn’t been sick or felt sick for as long as I could remember and I had it in my mind that I was just never gonna be sick again. I was wrong, I got a bug and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Up all night vomiting and it scared me so much. I thought I’d get over it quickly and move on with my life, but for some unknown reason, I carried on feeling ill, for ages. I ended up going to the doctors and he said I had gastritis, which is an inflammation of the stomach lining. From then on I’ve had a severe phobia.
It controls my daily life in so many ways. I’d say out of the 5 mental illnesses I suffer from, this is the worst. I constantly feel poorly, every stomach gurgle sends me worrying, don’t eat certain foods, can’t sleep at night incase I wake being sick, often get anxiety related diarrhoea from it which causes me to panic about being sick, always sanitize my hands, won’t go to baby groups, wont see to Violet in the night incase I walk in and she’s been sick and loads more. It controls what I do constantly. I can’t go out in my boyfriends car incase I’m sick which puts a strain on our relationship. I rely on promethazine which is an anti emetic to keep me sane. If I don’t have an appetite I worry. I don’t want to go too far away from home unless I get ill. It ruins relationships with friends. If they say they’ve been sick or had diarrhoea I will not see them for at least two weeks so as not to get poorly. Even if someone is acting weird around me or farts too much I’ll go into over drive.
But you have a child? I hear you thinking. Yes, I do and it sends my anxiety into overdrive and quite frankly takes away my ability to be a really good mum. I don’t like taking her to soft play places etc and if she she’s any sign of illness I will hide in my room. The worst thing that has happened due to this phobia, is back in 2015 my daughter got very poorly with what I thought was a bug. I hid in my room for three days even though ambulances came to her because I was so afraid. She then got put into hospital and I refused to touch her or stay with her! We later found out it was sepsis and not a sickness bug at all, my baby girl could of died and all because I was worried I wouldn’t touch her! It’s not just a tiny phobia. It ruins my life and I hate myself to this day because of it.
Most people won’t know anything about this phobia, but its very real and affects so many people. I’ve tried to kill myself over this phobia before as I’d rather die than be sick. Now I understand that sounds stupid to normal people but I’m sure if you have a phobia you understand. This phobia is draining. I constantly feel poorly and have stomach pains and I get happy every time I eat because I know I mustn’t have a bug.
Little things set off the emet related panic attacks. For example my mum went to the toilet yesterday when shopping and me being me assumed she had a bug and freaked out because she took so long. It’s not normal and I miss the times when I didn’t even think about it. I can’t remember a day where I didn’t feel poorly.
According to a mental Heath nurse it’s caused by forced sexual interaction. So in my case all the stuff that happened with violets dad. At first it didn’t make sense but then I realised it is all to do with control. In both circumstances you have no control.
If you have this then speak out! It’s a nasty thing to deal with and you shouldnt have to suffer alone. There’s a page on Facebook I can add you too full of supportive people.
#mentalhealthawareness
bethviolet 